Casaguapo Private Concierge
Members Request an invitation

Membership

Privacy is a fundamental right. Membership is a privilege.

Three memberships, each billed monthly and in advance. Prices are presented in US dollars as a courtesy to those who still think in them. Our members think in islands.

I.

Basic People Only

Our entry-level membership. For those still experiencing financial limitations.

$10,000 per month

“Our most economically accessible offering. We strongly discourage applying unless absolutely necessary. Financial struggles are understandable, but deeply unfortunate.”

  • Private email, one address, with a number in it
  • A shared assistant, who will remember your name most of the time
  • Two Friends for Hire per quarter, weekday lunches, no eye contact
  • Management of one domain, ending in something like .biz
  • Members’ lounge access, through the kitchen, after service
Apply, if you must

If pricing is a concern, this membership may not be right for you.

II.

Basic

For the conventionally extraordinary.

$15,000 per month

“For individuals of considerable beauty, wealth and self-awareness. A respectable beginning, though we trust your ambitions extend further, and your inheritance arrives soon.”

  • Private email with unlimited aliases, for affairs both business and otherwise
  • A dedicated database instance
  • A personal assistant, five days a week, with no discernible weekend
  • Friends for Hire for up to six occasions a month
  • A quarterly beauty review, with consequences
  • Priority reservations at establishments of moderate difficulty
Request an invitation
By nomination

III.

Ultra-Super Beautiful People

Reserved for individuals whose beauty and importance transcend conventional measurement.

$50,000 per month

“An uncompromising experience for the truly exceptional. Because being extraordinarily beautiful is a responsibility, and responsibilities require infrastructure.”

  • Everything, without exception, hesitation or conscience
  • Dedicated infrastructure across three jurisdictions, one of which we invented for you
  • A team of assistants, one assigned exclusively to admiration and one to agreeing with you
  • Unlimited Friends for Hire, including a standing entourage and two mourners on retainer
  • Continuous beauty optimisation with an on-call lighting director
  • Reputation management across the internet, most of Europe and one Wikipedia editor
  • A private line to our founder, who will answer, eventually, and sigh
Request an invitation

Membership is subject to aesthetic, financial, and entirely arbitrary approval.

All memberships are billed monthly, in advance. Annual billing is available. It is not cheaper.

In detail

A considered comparison.

Basic People Only $10,000 Basic $15,000 Ultra-Super Beautiful People $50,000
Private email hosting One address Unlimited aliases Unlimited, plus your rivals’ typos
Private database hosting Dedicated instance Three jurisdictions
Domain registration & management One domain Twelve domains Every domain you desire
Digital privacy & security Standard discretion Heightened discretion Total disappearance, on request
Beauty enhancement & optimisation Quarterly review Continuous, with lighting director
Private personal assistant Shared, weekdays Dedicated, five days A team, always
Friends for Hire Two per quarter Six occasions a month Standing entourage
Lifestyle concierge
Admiration, delivered sincerely Business hours Around the clock
Members’ lounge entrance Side Front Yours, specifically

Questions

Asked, occasionally.

Members rarely have questions. Applicants, we find, have several, and most of them are about money.

Is there a free trial?

There is not. Our members are not accustomed to trying things. Things are accustomed to trying for them. Also, “free” makes them itchy.

Can I pay annually for a discount?

You may pay annually. There is no discount. One of our members once saw a discount at an airport and had to be helped to a lounge.

May I move between tiers?

Members may ascend at any time, effective immediately. Descending is also possible, though it is noted, and discussed, warmly, at dinners you will no longer be invited to.

What happens if I become less attractive?

Members are reviewed quarterly. Should any decline be observed, our Beauty Enhancement team will intervene well before our Membership Committee is obliged to.

May I bring a guest?

Guests are welcome, subject to the same standards as members. We would gently ask that you not bring anyone who will make the photographs worse, or who asks what anything costs.

Why was my application declined?

We do not disclose reasons. It would be unkind to both of us, but mostly to you.

What if I can’t afford it?

Several members have asked us what this question means. We have not been able to help them.

Is Casaguapo a real company?

Casaguapo is a work of satire. Our standards, however, are entirely real.