Casaguapo Private Concierge
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The Services

A complete infrastructure for an incomplete world.

Eight services, each available only to members, each delivered with a level of care that most people will never experience and, frankly, would only cry about. You may read about them. Reading is free. For now.

I.

Private Technology

Infrastructure built, operated and guarded exclusively for our members. No shared servers, no shared inboxes, and no sharing of any kind, a habit our members gave up in nursery school and have never once missed.

A quiet, sunlit private study with walnut furniture
Correspondence

Private Email Hosting

Exclusive, privacy-focused email infrastructure for individuals whose correspondence is simply too important for ordinary inboxes. Your messages are stored on hardware that has never once received a coupon, a newsletter, or a message from someone’s cousin about an opportunity.

  • Inbound mail screened for tone, relevance and the sender’s net worth
  • Messages from relatives returned unopened, with a polite note about boundaries
  • The ability to unsubscribe from people, not merely newsletters
  • Reply-all permanently disabled. We have seen what it does to families.

Typical client: a duchess who receives four emails a year, two of them condolences she did not ask for.

“I used to get emails from my sister. Now I get a monthly summary, and it is always the same: she is still upset.”
A Member, Gstaad
A softly lit private server hall
Infrastructure

Private Database Hosting

Premium, secure database infrastructure for exceptionally distinguished clients and their equally distinguished data. Your records will never share a rack with anyone you would not seat at dinner, which, in our experience, is everyone.

  • Dedicated hardware that has never stored an ordinary person’s data, and was cleaned after the delivery driver touched it
  • Rows indexed by importance. Your ex-husband is a soft delete.
  • Nightly backups to a vault beneath a Swiss mountain. The mountain is also a client.
  • Query latency appropriate to your station

Uptime: 100%. The last engineer who discussed the alternative now hosts databases for a regional bank.

“I asked where my data was kept. They said, ‘Somewhere nicer than your childhood home.’ I have never felt more secure.”
A Member since 2017, Lake Como
A modern private residence at dusk
Digital identity

Domain Registration & Management

White-glove domain acquisition, registration and management for people whose digital identities deserve extraordinary attention. If your name is already taken, we will have a conversation with whoever took it. They usually reconsider, once they understand who is asking.

  • Your name, secured in every extension, and your siblings’ names, so they learn
  • Discreet negotiation with existing owners, conducted over a lunch so expensive they usually give up halfway through
  • Single-letter domains, subject to availability, a concept we have heard of
  • Renewals handled so you never learn the word “expired”, or its cousin, “overdraft”

We have never lost a negotiation. We have bought the company. Once, we bought the country.

“A man in Ohio had my name. Ohio! I didn’t know they had the internet. We paid him a sum he called ‘life-changing’, which I thought was very dramatic for a website.”
A Member, Monaco
A secluded bedroom suite with linen and soft morning light
Discretion

Digital Privacy & Security

Personalised cybersecurity and privacy services for individuals who believe their digital presence should be as exclusive as their physical presence. Which is to say, nobody gets in without a reason, a reference and a recent tax return.

  • Continuous removal of unflattering photographs. We have never found one, but we look every day, for your peace of mind
  • Threat modelling against paparazzi, former spouses and cousins who are next in line
  • Two-factor authentication. The second factor is your jawline.
  • A response team that arrives before the problem, and leaves with it

Your data deserves the same exclusivity as your social circle. Your social circle, frankly, could stand to be smaller.

“They promised to remove every unflattering photograph of me from the internet. It took eleven minutes. There were none. I could have told them that.”
A Member since 2011, location withheld

II.

Beauty & Lifestyle

For the long, empty hours that remain once your technology has been perfected. Our lifestyle team manages appearance, logistics and companionship, so that nothing about your life is ever left to chance, effort or people who love you.

An editorial portrait in soft natural light
Aesthetic stewardship

Beauty Enhancement & Optimization

Bespoke beauty consultation, appearance optimisation and aesthetic advisory for individuals who have already achieved extraordinary attractiveness, but refuse to accept perfection as a stopping point. Ageing is available to non-members.

  • Quarterly symmetry audits, with findings delivered gently and then once more, less gently
  • Lighting consultation for every room you may enter, including your own funeral
  • Calibration of every mirror in your residences, so they agree with us
  • A panel that will tell you the truth, which is that you are perfect, followed by an invoice

Beauty is subjective. Fortunately, our admission standards aren’t.

“I asked what I could improve. They said ‘nothing’. I said ‘look harder’. They found one eyelash. It was the most difficult week of my life, and I have been through a divorce. Three.”
A Member, Saint-Tropez
An editorial portrait of a composed gentleman
Anticipation

Private Personal Assistants

Dedicated assistants trained to anticipate every need, absorb the ordinary inconveniences of existence, and provide appropriately enthusiastic admiration. They have no personal lives, which they tell us is very freeing. We have chosen to believe them.

  • Needs anticipated up to seventy-two hours in advance, grudges up to a decade
  • Management of queues, weather and any feelings you would rather not have
  • Admiration delivered at a register of your choosing, including “stunned”
  • A standing instruction to laugh at your jokes, sincerely, or be replaced by someone who will

Assistants are selected for discretion, competence and their ability to fade completely out of photographs.

“Pierre once asked for a day off for his mother’s surgery, and I gave it to him. I would like that on the record somewhere. Here, perhaps.”
A Member since 2020, Mayfair
An elegant candlelit dinner table
Companionship

Friends for Hire

Carefully curated social companions for exclusive events, dinners, celebrations and occasions when a client’s existing friends are insufficiently interesting, attractive or alive.

  • Companions vetted for wit, beauty and the ability to cry on cue at the reading of a will
  • Briefed in advance on your achievements, in descending order of cost
  • Available for galas, weddings and birthdays you correctly suspect no one would attend
  • A strict non-outshining clause. Violators are reassigned to children’s birthday parties in Leeds.

Your friends should be as carefully selected as your investments, and as easy to liquidate.

“At my sixtieth, forty people told me I hadn’t aged a day. Thirty-eight of them were invoiced. The other two were my lawyers.”
A Member, Palm Beach
A private resort pool overlooking the sea
Time, returned

Lifestyle Concierge

Highly personalised support for clients whose time is too valuable to spend on ordinary responsibilities, which, in our experience, is all of them. Including, on occasion, the children.

  • Reservations at establishments that do not take reservations, or no longer exist
  • Management of property, travel, staff, and the staff who manage the staff’s grief
  • Reminders for the birthdays of people you would like to appear to remember
  • Any request, at any hour, handled without your ever learning that effort is a thing people do

We have never said “fully booked” to a client. We have said it to several restaurants, shortly before buying them.

“I said I wanted to see the Northern Lights without travelling. By Tuesday they were in my garden. I am told Norway is furious.”
A Member since 2016, Geneva

Engagement

How one becomes a client. Rarely.

  1. 01

    Application

    You submit a brief questionnaire. Most applicants find it straightforward. Most applicants are declined, and some of them never quite recover.

  2. 02

    Assessment

    Our Committee conducts an aesthetic, financial and entirely arbitrary review. Proceedings are confidential, including from the Committee, who are informed of their decisions by letter.

  3. 03

    Introduction

    Successful applicants are welcomed in person, at a location chosen for its lighting, by a director chosen for theirs. Unsuccessful applicants are also welcomed, to try again in seven years.

  4. 04

    Ongoing excellence

    Your dedicated team assumes responsibility for everything you would prefer not to think about, beginning immediately and continuing, per the contract, for some time after your death.

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